It has been a very taxing week. It’s reminded me that we are robots on autopilot and that we, indeed, have feelings.
I received news after my MRI of a herniated/slight bulging, degenerative disc in my back. With this came news that running will never be my mainstay of cardio. Next treatments include one cortisone shot with continued PT. Let me tell you something—I am scared SHITLESS.
It’s been very difficult to remain in a positive and happy this week. I wish that it was as easy as saying I am blessed, my family rocks, I have a job, am otherwise healthy, etc. but sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s not as easy as just thinking about all of the “At Least’s.” Sometimes you just want to bitch it out. Sometimes you feel this fear inside of that unknown. You just can’t help it. The (somewhat) unknowns of this injury and how my body will react? Will the disc quietly go back into its place and heal? In some ways I feel intimidated by traditional medicine where the doctors only treat the symptom. I am very afraid of cortisone and the slippery slope of PT. Have I mentioned my fear of needles?
But here is where I am...I recognize I have chronic pain. And it’s been just chillin’ there, in my ass, and in my back, for nearly 5 months. Even at the hardest points, I am reminded to stay as positive as I can, because eventually, once you do, it becomes the only option. So for me, I have to continue to think of this injury as creating a fresh start that my body can, and will, bounce back stronger than ever. I am ready to start living my life like a 27 year old, not an 87 year old.
There was also a traumatic emergency this week, which additionally put more of life into perspective. It is so fragile and not to be taken for granted. Needless to say, also very exhausted. Still blessed, but exhausted none the less. There is a mantra that I heard recently, “My energy is a precious resource.” And right now, even at its lowest, it really resonates, we are still alive in there. Robots...they don't feel that